tea break

Packet from Poland


People curse about Internet making human life and contact worse, but I've been wanting a CD of the soundtrack to 1995's Virtuosity (featuring a spot of buck-naked Russell Crowe as Synthetic Android Joker) since my cassette copy died and ultimately got it for a mere pittance on-line.

What's weird (as distinct from awesome) about this album is how the Debbie Harry / The Heads track is cleaned of profanity, but the Lords Of Acid song is quite intact.

Gentle tapping on the stretched-skin drum

A scale, a measure of weight done by comparing the unknown to the known. Using a scale, one determines the amount of substance by how much of an marked equivalent is needed to make it balance. As with all other forms of measurement, a thing is only by how it affects that which surrounds it.

Late night delirium, alone in a big city? Fat bird with a hat, a little ache in the feet but otherwise an appreciator. Erotic emotions ultimately giving up the path to the slow march of simple exhaustion.

Tickets are not exorbitant, entirely within affordability despite almost getting into the red due to self-publishing shenanigans, and June's flights are entirely possible. It's the other forms of cost one must look out for. So many people who trust I would be able to make the wise choice, do the right things. I try to make right, except when it seems like I have only hatred for that which disturbs my peace and enthusiasm.

Times, and responses, to which I can only maintain that I am not as monetarily abundant as my heart desires, that I may be anywhere at anytime. These are luxuries, and one cannot, in good manners, attempt to induce guilt from those who are only speaking for personal misadventure.

The earth shook. I contributed a minor fiction, but a single line, by way of personal mythology regarding certain twin landmarks, but it has gone mostly unnoticed (and utterly misunderstood by a Laotian).

It gets lonely, but I am cognizant of being partly responsible for this. Presumptuous, rude perhaps, to only make word of something on the very day, and I am consistently ignorant of the hours others need to set aside for those who draw their cheques.

One wonders about missteps and misconceptions of one's place in the relationship cosmos. Have I been of any importance to the crow-deer's path? Of course, I have. The nature of it, however, is the object under scrutiny. I own nothing and it is foolish to think so naively. Yet, I wonder if I am anything but a temporary meet, a chance encounter, destroyer of rut-entanglement. If I am little but something which happens to a person, rather than becomes a part of his/her life? I am a changer, a flint stone, all the while always remaining the stranger, the outsider. (If at the very least, by the separation of time and space.)

Thoughts on power. I grow less impressed by gentle persuasion, by mountain-chipping, and it brings out a darker, more zealous side of me. It's promethean, left-black alchemical, vehemently against any choices that are given. It reeks of immaturity, blind-spots, yet a greater thesis is trying to take shape. It's throwing away the kind chisel, and calling down lightning. Myriad ways to shatter the stone wall.

My heaviest regrets consist of missed opportunities, the snowballed karmic tangle of choices, despair over pieces of a possible life perceived to be stolen. As if haunted by an ability to read the akashic records, the strands of the past and present. The knowledge that nothing further can be done for these events does not bring as much comfort as it should, and dreams continue to tease with notions of what could have been. What should have been. But will not. And cannot. For these present fruits of karma are mine to tend, and they are at once a source of torment and a source of unparalleled joy.

A friend... no, as close to a lover in mind and abstract spirit as I can think of now, relates a dream to me:
“Hephaestus made a web of string that, when thrown out, will overlay major paths of someone's life in the future.
The path looks like a binary tree and at least one final leaf leads to immortality.
Some of these immortality paths require people to go to certain places. Located by their shape.
I woke up crying.”

I have big dreams. Cosmic dreams. Few of self-help, motivational adages can apply to these unearthly aspirations. Arguing for the way things are, the solid reality of everything, will do little but arouse rage, but I will relent and accept the suggestion. Manners kept, after all.

Ezra Sol - Scorpio
Shuraim Mussawyr - Taurus
Chevise - Aquarius
Foley - Gemini
Adam Primaeros - Cancer
Kadamon Theofonias / The Unnamed - Aries

  • Current Music
    Stellamara - Odam Kireç

Cerita pendek

Pungguk rindukan Bulan.
Haiwan lain berkata: pungguk mengharap terlalu tinggi.
Seksa pungguk disebabkan diri sendiri.

Cubaan terbang ketiga,
penat lelah tatkala kayangan hampagas,
terlelap dan terjunam.

Rebah di bumi cair,
lemas seketika dalam lopak hujan,
kucupan paruh bertemu tanah.

Andai dia separa gunung,
dengan mata air bertatahkan mutiara,
memandang Si Bulan dalam tarian.

Andai dia separa suria,
dengan cahaya megah, makanan rimba duniawi,
tatkala bertemu Si Bulan sekali-sekala.

Tapi hanya seekor pungguk,
tulang berkerat, daging bersari darah,
tanpa upaya menjadi yang lain.

Tapi hanya unggas di hutan,
tiba Izrail mencabut sisa rohani,
badan terkubur jua.

Pungguk rindukan Bulan.
Haiwan lain tidak berkata lagi.
Seksa pungguk tinggal sendiri.


Solar birds

Right, getting into the groove of turning this Livejournal into a writing-based blog.

Off the bat: I've been engrossed in Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor 2 on the ol' dusty Nintendo DS. Such a wonderful game so far, charming me as much as it is kicking my arse (and in a completely fair way, making it feel real good when I win a battle) while at the same being yet another love letter to old-school cosmic-scaled Megami Tensei beneath the veneer of being a love child between the Persona series and Neon Genesis Evangelion. (The first DeSu game being a gritty, well-written, heavy metal deconstruction of the concept of 'Mons beneath the cutesy, if blood-red-tinted, exterior.)

It also retains a propensity for gravity-defying mammaries, but that's neither here nor there.

I'm mentioning DeSu2 because one of the characters, who at first glance operates pretty much as an expy of Evangelion's Kaworu, later on evokes a very familiar archetype: Lucifer.

But not quite, because he is called The Anguished One, and the way he is written conflates the Lucifer-as-second-to-God with pre-demonized Azazel, who directly nurtured and loved the potential of humanity, as per the Watchers/Grigori mythos. In this respect, the game's final boss is the haughty, control-freak, eraser-happy Old Testament YHVH of '90s Megaten in all but name and utterly alien Mohiro-Kitoh-designed appearance.

This speaks much about my beliefs: I found myself incredibly attracted to The Anguished One. I wasn't interested in the blatant split between not-quite-Law and not-really-Chaos paths of the game, because I'm always looking for a third way out. His route is definitely unusual, and quite risky. (How much do you trust a powerful person who encourages you to dethrone a tyrant?) I was attracted enough to The Anguished One to have appropriated his look for one of my characters: the mysterious third owl-man in Fanaa fil-Haqq.

That was a bit of a lie, because he isn't really mine.

I'm taking a leaf from another character, Harman Black, who maintains a link with a sort of corvid deity who I have resisted giving a name, on top of not characterizing him more than what is necessary. It was an experiment in mystery, in letting a character be unrestrained by authorial finality, but not in a cheap choose-your-ending way. If there was an equivalent of Jung's Philemon in my life, this crow-man makes up part of it. A rareified/esoteric entity, yet influential, expressive of its own ideas, a shadow world guide.

So, anyway, this third owl, marked "???" in a recent graphic, is made distinct by the fact that he is always on fire. To anyone who knows my tastes, this is directly a reference to Rene Magritte, and indirectly linked to Hinduism, alchemy and stellar physics. During the work of incorporating The Anguished One's elements into his look, I attempted to make some connections with solar/stellar iconography, 

Yet, I did not (and will not) characterize him. Even calling it a "him" is merely a convenient device. He is at once a character for me to use as a puppet nudging my authorial Will against Adam's multiple existences, and yet also beyond my control. "I can see my thoughts as He records them in his far away realm, but there are things that I know by heart, which He will never conceive." he says.

There is so much symbolism at work in my personal mythos surrounding the owl-man, that I can't possibly recount them decently without an essay or more linking philosophy, Jungian analytical psychology, Megaten (so many of the games!), magick/shamanism, and metatextual relationships of fiction/character/author.

I suppose putting words down here in this blog constitutes a way for me to let the pictures stand by themselves as much as possible.


NightPhaser ARTWORKS (2004-2011)

7" x 7" Softcover standard version at US$25
8" x 10" Hardcover matte-paper version at US$56
Both books have full, cover-to-cover previews!

- My artwork available in print form. Rating up to R.
- 90+ pieces in grescale / full colour. Lots of pictures!
- Six featurette pages with progress snaps.

I believe these coupons are still valid:
15OFFBLURB or BOOKSHOW15OFF -- 15% off the book price
Enter one during the checkout process.

You'll be asked to register an account with Blurb. (A simple thing, honest!)
Otherwise you'll have to wait for when I'd have a limited copies at cons or such.

Allow 5-6 days for on-demand printing, plus delivery time. Blurb gives an estimated arrival date during checkout.
I don't make a profit from these, since they're selling at cost.
(Unless you choose to buy the $4.99 iOS eBook version, then thanks!)

Unfortunately there's little room for commentary on my part this time. You can find the art with original text intact on my DeviantART or FurAffinity galleries.

Many thanks for your consideration. Cheers. =)



I was reading up stuff I wrote for Darkest Hour and Shattered Dreams

I have my head in my hands ‘cause, man, how depressed was I when I wrote that stuff?

I’ve already shared a bit on the ending bits for both with some friends who read the thing and was in for the ride when I wrote it three years ago, could make for interesting discussion. I second-guess myself at posting it here, because it’s totally my fault for not picking up on Shattered Dreams past Chapter 4. (Also, trying to write Darkest Hour based on Persona 3’s elements only made the awfulness of P3 more apparent to me.)

So, yeah, I’d like to move on, and develop something not based on any present game.

A thing I’m working on instead is Persona: Shadow Empire, commenting on this climate of oppression, dehumanization and bigotry along with the vital resistance against it by fine people who have the strength to not succumb to the Sleeping Tyrant’s many avatars, and their ways of winning your soul.

That’s what Persona (despite being animu after 3 onwards) meant to me: an affirmation that there are people out there who will not stand to have their True Selves obliterated without a fight, be it by the overwhelming forces of Despair, Chaos, Death or Ignorance.


Apologies to my Livejournal buddies.

I'll be straight up about it: not going to be terribly active here as much as I do with the gallery sites or Twiblr. Here are the places to be if you intend to see me kicking about and squawking:

Picture places

Tumblrs (occasionally NSFW)
Artwork + Commissions

Sock nets / Misc

Come to think of it, better update the colour theme as well. (Eugh, Blogspot Brown.)

Thanks for keeping an eye on me so far, and hope I'll continue to be interesting. Peace, and cheers!

  • Current Music
    Morrissey - "You Were Good In Your Time"